Friday, January 7, 2011

Shit My Kids Said (And Did) In 2010

My kids regularly say funny shit. It's awesome. Hands down, it's my favorite thing about hanging out with young children. They're outrageously funny with little to no effort at all. I love kids.

With no further ado, I present the 2nd annual Shit My Kids Said.

(Each is a stand alone quote or conversation...)

Eli, when asked if he was excited about our impending trip to Texas: "Yeah! Sarah gets to get her tumor out and there's gonna be A SWIMMING POOL AT OUR HOTEL!!!"

Micah, in a not uncommon fit of nerdiness: "What comes before A? Are there negative letters?"

Eli: "I'd love to eat nothing but peanut butter chips for breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday, but can't cuz I would get sick and die."

Eli muses further re: nutrition and human resilience: "I wonder if I could survive on just jellybeans and candied cherries if I took a vitamin everyday..."

Micah, on the not-so-pleasant things in life: "Eli hates blackberry prickles; Sarah hates Cushing's; David hates weeds. And I... I hate gloves that don't fit me and all kinds of stupid stuff."

Eli, the kid with the very endearing trait of loving fresh fruit more than anything else: "Try not to use all the peaches in the pie!"

Eli and his friend Alix, wielding a squirt gun and a giant net: "Does anyone know where the cat's hiding?"

Micah to his pop: "No seriously, David-- it's your bedtime. Go eat your bedtime snack."

David, to Micah as he "hides" to escape bedtime: "I can still see you when you're covering your eyes. It's extremely cute, but I can still see you." (Okay, so that was a daddy quote and not a chiddler one, but how sweet and cute is that?)

Me, to Micah at the grocery store: "Please don't call me a boobie head so loudly in public." Micah, in response: "I'm not calling you a boobie head; I'm just saying that you have a BOOBIE ON YOUR HEAD."

Micah: "I'm afraid that's not quite enough. I need A WHOLE BAG of cookies."

Eli, to David, re: the bear who rearranged our garbage late one night: "Why didn't you sneak up behind it and hit it over the head with a pot?" (Yeah, David. Sheesh. Why didn't ya?)

Micah: "Could megalodon survive on land?" Eli: "No." Micah: "It could only survive in the sea?" Eli: "Right." Micah: "It couldn't survive on land cuz it didn't have any legs?" Eli: "No, that's not why. It's because it had no lungs... only gills." (Not particularly funny, I know, but I couldn't resist-- mama loves her little geeks.)

Eli to Micah, about how David is the smartest person ever... "Way smarter than Sarah even." (BALLZ.)

Eli shares the secret to eternal cuteness: "I'm gonna be even cuter when I grow up... cuz I'm gonna wear bunny ears all the time!"

Micah, telling me about his time machine: "We were in the time when bacteria was the only life on earth and then we traveled back even further... to the BIG BANG!!!"

Eli, eating a BBQ steak on the deck with his bare hands & teeth: "I'm eating like a caveman!"

David, to Micah: "What do you want for a bedtime snack?" Micah: "Cream cheese off toast." David, confused: "Ummm, you mean just a chunk of cream cheese?" Micah: "Yah!!!"

Eli: "I would never punch my parents... unless they hit me or Micah with a stick." (I was actually glad to know that he'd punch ANYONE who hit him or Micah with a stick.)

Eli: "I'm gonna be a farmer when I grow up. I'll kill chickens and cows for people to eat and I'll share my food with everyone who is good. But no bad guys will be allowed to eat it... no bad guys or giant rat creatures."

Me, to Micah: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Micah: "A nose on a nose floating on a floating butt."

Micah, looking for any and every excuse to delay sleep: "I don't want my door half closed; I want it a quarter closed!" (This first happened towards the beginning of the year when we were still charmed by such a cute and nerdy excuse for evading sleep. We, thus, responded in a kind and compassionate manner. But now that he's made the same or some similarly ridiculous excuse almost every night for the past year, we just get exasperated and yell back: "Fine! A quarter close it yourself and go to sleep... ya nerd!!!")

Eli: "What if you stuck a banana inside a chicken with no head!? Would that taste good?" (This one comes from David, so I have no idea what sort of context we're talking. I think I'll keep it that way.)

Micah, to me: "I was trying to start my video game, but I accidentally checked your email!"

Me, to Eli: "What would you like for lunch?" Eli: "Donuts" Me: "We don't have any donuts." Eli: "How about cake? Do we have any cake?" Me: "Nope" Eli: "Cookies?" Me: "Nope" Eli: "Pie?" Me: "Nope, were all out." Eli: "Okay, I guess I'll have some carrots."

Micah: "Hey David, how do you spell spider barbecue?"

Eli, to me: "Is there anything as gross as a walking talking fart?"

Micah, peeking up at the sky on a cloudy day: "I can't see the sun anywhere!" Eli, in response: "Oh, just keep a look out for A GIANT BALL OF FIRE in the sky. You'll see it eventually."

Eli: "Popsicle starts with P." Micah: "No it doesn't-- it starts with pop!"

I'll leave you with a story from this past summer. We spent several nights of stargazing on a blanket next to our house. Micah spotted his first shooting star (!!!). Eli -- in hopes of one upping his bro -- claimed to have witnessed "a giant sparkly green ball of gas zooming all around the planet." Micah thought Eli's claim was hilarious but -- not to be outdone-- claimed that he could feel the earth spinning beneath him. Sigh. Stargazing with the chiddlers. Sigh.

Well, that's it for last year. If you're itching to get a head start on this year's hilarity, check this out.

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